The Fateful Night That Everything Changed

(I am angry that I have to do this) My girlfriends walked over to get me out of the house, because my boyfriend Nathen had been deployed and I was in the dumps with him being gone. I was sad and didn’t want to go out and do anything. I just wanted to stay in my room, and eat cookies and microwave parmesan pasta that I get at the convenience store in my building. I wrote a letter to him every day after he left even starting that day. My girlfriends dragged me out of my place to go out with them- Christina and Stacy (I am starting to get tearful because I know what getting ready to happen next) We go to the base club. The music is loud, the dance floor lights flashing and there are people on the dance floor dancing. It’s smoky from the cigarette smoke. I am sitting in a chair at the bar. It’s a three foot walk space from the bar to the dance floor. (My heart is beating faster and my mind is wondering what I should have done different as I start recalling each month) I’m at the bar and a couple guys come up to me and start talking.

He is tall, Not as tall as Nathen. Brown hair, slim. His jaw line was not well defined. He worked out. He laughed at things we talked about and tried to play off the fact that my boyfriend was gone, so it was a chance for him to have a chance at getting with me. (I feel sad and mad at myself for talking to him.)

I went to the restroom because I had already had a couple drinks of Zima w/grenadine. I came back to my spot to finish my drink and suddenly started not feeling good. I told my girlfriends I was going to go and told them why. I told the guy and his friend I was going to go and he said they were getting ready to leave too and would walk with me.

I remember getting weak and having trouble walking and as we got closer to the building me falling. My face was in the grass and I was looking to my right. I could see someone standing on the sidewalk watching, but he stood to high I couldn’t see his face in the dark. My arms were limp and I couldn’t move. I felt his hands grab to try to take my pants off. I could feel my pants and the tightness of them at my knees. (I feel helpless, I couldn’t move)

I could hear voices saying hurry up, someone’s coming. I could feel him trying to find a place and thrusting himself into me. (it hurt, my legs and vagina hurt from the sharp pain, I feel like my skin is on fire down there.) I feel his hands pushed against my back trying to hold me down.

I hear, My turn, my turn. The weight shifted on my back and for a minute I feel nothing. I hear hurry. Something Changes. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time but the pressure and the weight is heavier. I feel fingers digging into my back. The air is cold and I feel helpless, my arms feel heavy. I squirm a bit but as I do the weight and pressure in my back would get heavier (I can’t do this).

I remember someone walking me back to my room. I think it was one of the guys watching. As I remember, I remember laying on my bed and crying and falling asleep. When I woke up, I remember taking my cloths of and taking a very hot shower, scrubbing my body till it hurt. I remember digging through the cabinet under the sink looking for douche’ cleanser. It burned my insides. I used 2 or 3 of them and it continued to burn. I cried the entire time I was in the shower. My head hurt from all the crying and body and muscles ached all over. I didn’t have to work that day because it was the weekend. I didn’t leave but to go over to the convenience store in my building to get some food to eat in my room. I don’t remember talking much to anyone that weekend. When I did go back to work I just did my thing to distract me. It wasn’t till Thursday that I called and spoke to my mom.

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