The Daily Challenges I Face Each Day

Since remembering my trauma and all the emotions that come with it, my life is one that I had never would have imagined for myself. At any moment my heart could start racing with the mere thought of going to bed, sometimes at the shear fear of having night mares and flash backs of my assault. Just to sleep I have to take multiple (5) medications so that I can fall asleep. Sleeping next to my husband can be difficult, especially if I can’t sleep because I feel I just want to be alone. The night is the hardest for me since it was at night that my assault happened. I have a permanent indentation on my couch. If I have not slept well I am irritable and get angry over just about anything. I cry then realize I am emotionally out of control so I go sit on the floor of my shower so that the water can drop on my skin and I can focus on the water and less on what is triggering me to get upset. If I don’t sleep, after a few days I start having thoughts of hurting myself by taking some of my husband’s medications. For me it’s the easiest and most painless way to fall asleep and never wake up. The thought of accidently cutting my wrist while cooking dinner so the pain will hurt somewhere else other than my mind. I just want all of this to stop. I am so tired of fighting the emotions and the pain and the hurt and the betrayal I feel every day. I fight so hard to be strong, and it is exhausting.
I can’t work in the dental field anymore, because I had never realized just how much it reminded me daily of what I started using as a way to escape the emotions and feelings I felt, since no one would help me after my assault happened.
So now I keep trying to go to school to push through so I can try to get another job. But it takes me twice as long to study because I have difficulty remembering things. I get distracted easily with my daily emotions of anxiety, depression, and trying to find an ounce of energy after having to focus on therapy and having to figure out where I go from here because I am 42 years old and I have never felt so lost in my life until now. I may never finish school or get into the program so I can try to move on, because I never know when the memories of my assault will pop up in my mind. When my emotions and uncontrollable crying starts, it puts me into a tail spin to the point I can’t even get off the couch, take a shower or eat, let alone get out of the house.
I used to work out on a regular basis, now I am lucky if I can motivate myself to take my dog for a walk. I hate being home alone because those are the times when I am in my lowest moments that I have thoughts of hurting myself the most. So, then I start pacing trying to frantically find something to distract me.
I have one friend I see once a week. I have a very difficult time building relationships because I have a hard time trusting anyone. I struggle with trust. With myself, others and strangers. I always second guess myself and the decisions I make.
I can’t let anyone control my situations. I have to be sure that everything I do is perfect. If its not I shut down emotionally and physically. I have to feel like I am in control of the any situation. If I can’t control something I just don’t do it, because if I do, the anxiety and pressure in my chest increases and my head start to pound. When I am not in control I feel awful, like I am not good enough. A lot of the times I feel like I am not good enough for my husband and that he would be better off without me especially because of the constant emotional rollercoaster I am. I question my personal abilities at anything. I know that people se and say how great I am but I always question their motives and reasons because I don’t see it. Sometimes I think they only say it to be nice.
For as long as I can remember, I have used sex as a way to disconnect from my feelings. I only really experienced one intimate moment with my husband, and that was before the memories of my rape on base came flooding back. It hurts me that I struggle with kissing John or letting him hold me or him run his fingers along my back. I love him so incredibly much, but the inside of me feels like something is crawling over me. I want so much to show him how much I Love him on an intimate level. I am fortunate he is caring and understanding, but how and when will these feelings go away.
My Sexual trauma is never going to go away. My PTSD is never going away. These feelings will always be there, but all the therapy I go to is a mere tool in how I can try to make sense of all of these emotions and physical effects it has had on me and life. No one helped me when it first happened. Not until 2 years ago when I had my melt down and someone advised my husband to where to take me to get help. It is not ok for me to feel like I want to end my life, still. It is not ok for me to have the anxiety and depression and all that it comes with, still. It is not ok for me to wake up in the morning and feel like I all alone and unable to build relationships with others, still. It is not ok for my husband to be worried that his wife will be ok when he comes home from work, still. It is not ok for my children to fear that their mother is going to do something that takes her back to the hospital, still.

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